Bum Reviews: Resident Evil 2
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Ever wondered what it would be like if Chester A. Bum reviewed a video game, let alone a survival horror one? Find out what the homeless movie buff has to say about Leon's and Claire's adventure in Raccoon City.


Author's Note: RE belongs to Capcom and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.

I'm basing this review on the Claire A/Leon B scenario. I was originally intending to do a Bum Review on RE: Degeneration, but I thought hey, why not do one on RE2 instead, a good ol' classic, eh? Enjoy it!

…

_And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review:_

_**Resident Evil 2**_

…

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!"

"Braaainsss…spoileeersss…"

"There's this girl, called Claire, and she's wandering around this empty city looking for her missing brother. I had a missing brother once…oh, wait, there he is."

"So Claire meets up with this rookie cop called Leon, and they get chased by these flesh-eating zombies that come out of nowhere. This is bull crap! Where are all the bums you normally see on the streets? This city allows zombies to walk freely asking for brains, but they don't allow smelly bums like me asking for change?"

"This should be called 'No Country For Old Bums', because I didn't see any bums anywhere in this game! But I did see Oscar the Grouch."

"So Claire and Leon get separated and Claire runs all the way to the police station to find an Officer Will Smith…who later turns into a zombie! He starts off as Fresh Prince and the next minute you know, he's become Rotten Prince! Why call him a prince anyway? He's a cop for crying out loud!"

"And a rotten one too."

"Meanwhile, Leon's going into the police station from the back, when this helicopter flies by and drops this huge capsule, and this guy in a green trench coat comes out and it's…OH MY GOD! IT'S MR. CLEAN!"

"_Mr. Clean loves punching boys and girls and grown-ups in a minute. Mr. Clean destroys your whole house and everything that's in it."_

"The Umbrella Corporation must have injected him with dozens of drugs to keep him physically fit…like in the commercials! And this is exactly what happens when you don't use Mr. Clean's brands; he'll drop through your roof like a ton of bricks and BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA YOU WITH HIS BARE HANDS!"

"So then Claire meets this little girl called Sherry, who's running away from her overgrown mutating father William, who looks like one of my acid fantasies. In the meantime, Leon meets this hot secret agent lady in red, and he's like-"

"_Who are you?"_

"_Ada…Ada Wong."_

"_What's wrong?"_

"_Nothing."_

"_But you just said something was wrong."_

"_No, my last name is Wong."_

"_What's wrong with your last name?"_

"_Nothing's wong! It's just Wong!" _

"_What's wrong?"_

"_Nothing! What's wong with you?"_

"_Nothing's wrong with me. I just don't know what's wrong about your last name."_

"_There's nothing wong with my last name! There's nothing wong about it!"_

"…"

"…"

"_So your last name is wrong?"_

"_No, Wong!"_

"_Wong?"_

"_Right!"_

"_But I thought you said it was wrong!"_

"_No, I said it was right when you said it was Wong!"_

"_Wrong?"_

"_No, Wong!"_

"_Wong?"_

"_Yes!"_

"…"

"…"

"_So…what's your last name again?"_

"_Oh, forget it. We're so not going to make it out after this game…"_

"_Oh, yes we are."_

The Bum embraced himself with kisses.

"So throughout the whole game, Leon is shooting monsters, Claire is shooting monsters, Ada is shooting monsters, Sherry is shooting monsters except she's running away…but then she gets impregnated by her own father and she's carrying his embryo!"

"WHAAA…?"

The Bum began to cringe, staring painfully at the floor, clenching his teeth and shaking his head in misery. "Just who…what were the writers thinking?"

"You know what? I believe Josef Fritzl wrote this entire script! No other sick mind could have conceived this story! Who else would have sex with young girls, let alone his own child?"

The Bum was about to raise his hand, but quickly pulled it down.

"So Claire and Leon are walking in this huge chemical plant…and then Mr. Clean shows up and traps Leon!"

"Look out! He's gonna spray you with his cleaning solution!"

"But Ada comes to the rescue and takes on Mr. Clean herself! She packs bullets into his head and gets hurled against a generatomateur, while Mr. Clean drops down into a boiling pot of Campbell's tomato soup!"

"HA! Take that, baldy! Grow some hair!"

"Then Leon goes up to Ada who's bleeding to death, and he's like-"

"_I'm gonna get you out of here!"_

"_No, you're not. _

"_Yes, I am."_

"_Ughh…"_

"_ADAAAAAAA!"_

"So meanwhile, Claire's talking to this crazy lady called Annette, who's William's wife and Sherry's mother. And she's like-"

"_You killed William! So now you're gonna have to DIE!"_

"And Claire's like-"

"_Dude, what is your deal? Don't you know that Sherry's pregnant with your husband's baby? Isn't that something you should be more concerned about? Go on Oprah!"_

"But suddenly, a Willy comes!"

Silence.

"What?"

"And Annette is really surprised to see her husband alive and she's like-"

"_Honey, you're safe! Does that mean we can cancel our divorce?"_

"_Nope."_

(SLASH!)

"So Claire goes to make an antidote for Sherry, while Leon is busy fighting with Mr. Clean again…but he's not so clean…he's on FRIGGIN' FIRE, AND HE'S FRIGGIN' PISSED OFF!"

"Not to mention very naked."

"You DO NOT EVER want to piss off Mr. Clean!"

"Or piss on him."

"And then this mysterious shadow lady comes and drops a rocket launcher on Leon's head! And she's like-"

"_Use this!"_

"And Leon's like-"

"_Ada, is that you?"_

"And Mr. Clean's like-"

"GYAAAAAR!"

"So Leon blows him up into smithereens with the rocket launcher and rides onto a train with Sherry and then Claire hops on too before the whole plant explodes. Claire gives the antidote to Sherry, who's lying unconscious, and luckily she's saved!"

"And Claire and Leon are like-"

"_HOORAY!"_

"But then they discover William on the train and then they're like-"

"_Oh, crap."_

"So the trains blows up with William and everyone runs out through the tunnel and into broad daylight. And so the three of them are wandering across the train tracks for all eternity."

"THE END!"

"So I REALLY liked this game. It was fun, scary, full of suspense, and you get to fight all kinds of creatures! You get flesh-eating zombies, rabid dogs, giant spiders, ill-tempered plants, Wally Gator, screaming hemorrhoids that stick to the wall with long tongues, Mr. Clean and a monster that loves to rape little girls!"

"But there's only one little problem. In the game, it says that the story takes place in a city called Raccoon City…except there ARE NO raccoons in Raccoon City! I didn't see any flying raccoons wielding nunchucks or tonfas or sticking bo staffs up somebody's ass!"

"It's like the Big Apple, because there IS NO big apple! It's just a bunch of skyscrapers and angry cab drivers! WHAT A RIP-OFF!"

"But I did see a Fiona Apple. She tasted like people."

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...BRAINS! YOU GOT BRAINS? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, BRAINS!"

**Seriously though, 'Resident Evil 2' is an awesome game.**

"You can help me remake 'Resident Evil 2'! I've got Leon and Claire featured as green baboons."


End file.
